Dear Me,
Things are about to get really scary. When your skin-to-skin time is cut short, it will be just the beginning. You will question if you'll ever bring your daughter home. You will feel incredible guilt
when you return to the nursery after breastfeeding Francesca only to find out the very thing you thought was sustaining her would kill her. You will think you want to go home for a night only to make your husband turn around and take you back to the hospital because you would rather spend the night sharing a room with a stranger (divided only by a curtain) than spend the night at home, away from your baby. You will experience an emotional roller coaster that will include times of peace and hope and times of extreme sadness, fear and anxiety. But know this, your baby will be okay, you will be okay.
Don't push your friends away. There are a lot of people who love you. And you need them. Reach out, ask for their prayers, cry with them. Let them come visit. After spending a couple days not talking to anyone about the situation - you will feel so much relief when your best friend comes to meet Francesca and you get away for a couple hours. People you haven't talked to in years will reach out to offer prayers and provide support. It will help. You will still remember who they were and be grateful 3 years later.Be wary of what you read on the Internet. You will read A LOT. And most of it will be really scary - because it is worst case scenario. You will find good things too; A blog about two healthy girls with the condition, a Facebook group full of supportive people who have been in your shoes and will offer advice and support, and information about the conference that happens every two years (and is actually taking place in Florida while you are scouring the Internet for information about the condition). But there will also be out of date information, including dietary guidelines. And there will be conflicting information. And there will be a lot about worst case scenarios - read it, know it is a possibility and then move on. It could happen, it doesn't mean it will.
Be prepared for information overload. You will be terrified and anxious leading up to the specialist appointment. At the appointment you will meet with several different people who will provide so much information you will feel like your head will explode and you will never remember everyone and everything. You will leave feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. You will cry all the way home and not want to talk to anyone. Your husband will hold your hand and share in your grief. These appointments will not always be this way but your husband will continue to be your rock - strong when you are weak, positive when you are negative, patient when you are not. You will make a great team. (I realized as I'm typing this that I probably don't tell him that enough. Thank you, Chris! xoxo)
You will learn more than you thought possible during the first year. The first time you go to buy baby cereal you will call the dietitian in the aisle of Kroger to make sure it is safe because there are a couple ingredients you won't be sure about. You will be near tears because you're overwhelmed and think you'll never figure it out. And this will not be the last time - you'll put all of the dietitians phone numbers (3 to be exact) in your phone and will call them frequently as your child ages and is introduced to new foods. But, you will learn a lot - quickly. By the time she is two you will be able to easily read a label and spot unsafe ingredients. You will learn that the allergy statement is the first place to start and what to look for - but also know to read the ingredients, just in case.
Stay positive and pray. This child is the best thing you have ever made. Enjoy her. Don't spend your life worrying. Nothing good comes from worrying about something that might never happen. And if it does happen, it won't help to have wasted days, months or years worrying about it. You will have good days and bad days, days filled with anxiety but more filled with hope and joy. Pray. Know that even when the future seems scary and uncertain for you, it is not for God. He's got this. Remember, Francesca is a child of God, and He doesn't make mistakes. She is exactly who He meant for her to be. Find peace in that and walk by faith.Love,
Me
p.s. I might also include - you're not going to completely change your diet, removing all dairy, and get super skinny like you might think. You will make simple substitutes (dairy free butter, bread, marinades, etc.) when they are available, but for the most part you will put the cheese and other dairy ingredients on the side and teach Francesca from an early age what she can and cannot have and to ask if something is "safe" for her, before she eats it.
